But I've decided to write a new post here about a conversation that I had with my friend the other day.

The conversation's beginnings are a little too hard to explain, but I will preface it by saying that I was emotional from the get-go. I'm still not sure why, but the situation was as it was.

Moving on.

I've come to the realization that now is not the time for me to be concerned about writing. It's an activity that I enjoy and which relieves stress, but between schoolwork and regular work, I just haven't had much time for it lately. Sure, I get a couple of creative sentences down here and there, but it's mostly if something brilliant strikes me, which tends to be very rare.

That being said, my friend was firmly aghast by this statement of 'writing isn't my priority right now'. She said to me: "But being an author is all you've ever cared about. You want it more than anything."

That was true. And becoming an author is still very important to me. I want it very badly.

It is not, however, my number one goal nor my raison d'être, like it was from about the age of seven to eighteen. Something happened to me in my first year of college, or actually in the summer between high school and college, which made me realize that while being an author would be amazing, I am capable of more. Or I need to feel as though I can accomplish more.

I have no illusions about how great I'll be at one thing or another; who knows how much I'll be able to achieve as a lowly worker of an NGO? Who knows if my stories that I write (and will continue to write) will ever become anything? I'm trying desperately not to be hung up on the "ifs" of the situation. I've decided what I want and I'm going for it, right now.

I want, more than anything, to be a fighter and an active participant in the world around me, for the benefit of humanity. I want to change people, communities, governments, and societies. I simply want to help the people who need it and who cry out for help. Could this be accomplished through writing? Possibly. That's a question which I've been asking myself for a while now (and am also writing a paper on, at the moment).

I believe, with all of my little heart, that I can be more effective (possibly affective?) as an activist and champion by using my presence, by being an actual body, instead of merely an idealist sitting somewhere behind a computer screen and/or notebook.

I hope I've made clear that I don't doubt the legitimacy of literature or writing to cause change, because I definitely believe that it can and does on a regular basis. But within myself, to feel as though I've done good in this world, I understand that I need to be active. And perhaps this all stems from an issue that I have as a writer where all of my work is introspective as opposed to fiction which looks outward and at the world for what it truly is. I acknowledge that my stories are character-driven and about people and psychology and never about bigger issues than what one character thinks and feels and how that changes over time.

Someday, I hope to combine the two ideas. But now, I am acutely aware that I am incapable of doing so. I need experiences. Hopefully my choice in careers will further aid my endeavor to produce a good piece of writing, but the career choice is what's important and ever-prevalent in my mind.

Yes, I want to be an author. But I want to be the best human being that I can be, first and foremost.